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Welcome to today’s edition of Bash A Region 2008! Today’s region is: Any state touching the Atlantic ocean between Massachusetts and Virginia. Here’s a tip for those of you in this region. “How are you?” and “How are you doing?” are not rhetorical questions. This question should only be asked if you are legitimately curious as to that person’s well-being or lack thereof. Here is an example of proper usage:

Person 1: Hello
Person 2: Hi, how are you? ::PAUSE FOR RESPONSE::
Person 1: I’m good.

Please note, if your conversations go like this:

Person 1: Hello
You: Hey, how are you, I got this problem I need for you to blah blah blah blah blah

then:

If you’re going to be nice, be nice. If you’re going to get down to business, just do it. Don’t pretend to be nice. You’re not fooling anyone.

In fact, it’s a rather bad day. Horrible would probably come close. Why horrible? Oh, let me count the ways.

I have a cold. Colds are horrible. I can’t breathe. My head hurts. I’ve got a river of mucus draining down the back of my throat.

My ankle hurts. I fell down the stairs Saturday, while carrying the baby. My super ninja skills, combined with my reflexes of a drunken mongoose, allowed me to not only not drop her, but keep her carrier entirely upright and steady to the point that she never even woke up.

My new carpet in the basement is not so new anymore. Against our hopes and prayers, Max has taken to marking the back corner again. I ripped out the carpet, priming the floor with two coats of an odor barrier, and laid new carpet with a thicker pad. He’s not trying to cover any old traces anymore. I have to accept that he’s just doing it because he’s used to. We decided before putting the new carpet in that he would have to go if he started going down there again. He has, so now he has to. We really don’t want to put him down; but, what other choice do we have? No shelter will take him if we tell them what he does. If we lie, he’ll go to someone else, and who knows what they’ll do to him when he starts going on their stuff? We’ve had him as an exclusively indoor cat since he was a tiny kitten. He’s never had front claws. He’d never survive on his own if we just took him to a field and left him. I can’t give him away to anyone else, with what he does. I just wish there was some other option. But, there’s not. So, today we’re going to take him to the vet and say goodbye.

This may sound over-dramatic to some, but I’ve never lost a pet. I have no idea what to do with myself. This would actually be easier if he was seriously sick or had an accident. You can deal with that. How do you deal with planning an execution for something who’s only guilty of not being capable of knowing better? How do I justify this action to myself? I know it has to be done. I still feel like a monster for doing it.

Goodbye, Max.

We still love you.

Don’t hate me.

Please.

It’s about time for an update. I’m getting in a bad habit of not updating for a while, then posting enumerated lists. Oh well. You’ll have to live with it.

1. Life as a walking dichotomy is rough. You know the right thing and the right way, but sometimes can’t bring yourself to do it. You find yourself walking down a path you know is leading nowhere, but feel powerless to change it. This, if unchecked, eventually leads to regret and self-loathing, and withdrawal, which makes it easier to keep going down that wrong path in a vicious downward spiral.

“I am my own worst enemy.
I sink my teeth into the hand that feeds.
I curse and praise in the same breath.
Which man in the mirror is the one that’s left?” – The Wedding

Which one is it? Am I a beacon of salt and light? Or am I grumpy, irritable, sad excuse of an ambassador? I’m afraid I know the answer. If you know me, you probably know it too.

2. In the spirit of the air conditioning debacle, we have been battling the furnace for months now. Flame sensors, oxygen sensors, climate control computers, etc. All have gone bad. Up until this point, they’ve been “fixable”, but not enough to warrant a new furnace under our home warranty. Well, it went out again last night, and we called the home warranty people again. They gave us the now too familiar number of AA American Heating & Air. (This company is highly recommended.) They paged a poor technician to roll out to our house in the evening. Now, this poor guy has been out to look at the furnace more than half a dozen times. Each time it’s something “minor” but I can’t have a one month old baby in a house with no heat when it’s -15 outside. He’s a good guy and a good sport about it, though. Luckily, this thing has finally kicked the bucket. It’s running again, but there’s a real problem causing the repeated malfunctions that will require us to get a new furnace, covered under the warranty. At most, we’ll have to find $300-$600 out of savings somewhere. Way better than the $5,000 we went into debt in the old house replacing the furnace/ac. When he told us this great news, I was expecting to have to wait a month or two to get it in and was pleasantly shocked when he said he might be able to have it installed Friday (that’s tomorrow!).

3. Snyder of Hanover’s Buffalo Pretzel Pieces are FANTASTIC.

4. I’ve been growing out a full beard for about a week. It looks fairly spectacular so far. We’ll see how far along it can get before the boss forces me to shave.

Yeah, so that’s all I got for now. :\

*Edit* 1/28/08 – I just noticed that I accidentally used “all I got” instead of “all I’ve got”. It’s incorrect, but it sounds straight hip-hop, so I’m gonsta havesta go ahead and leave it that way.

Word.

=(

So, I was shaving in the shower, using my super leet fogless mirror. There are many advantages to shaving in the shower. I learned tonight of a disadvantage. The hair cuts much easier. So much so, in fact, it is rather easy to to go too far. I slipped for a second and took a giant chunk out of my goatee. The damage was irreparable. I had to take it all off.

Goodbye, old friend. I’ll see you again in a few weeks.

Actually, I just updated wordpress and wanted to make sure all functionality remains.

That’s right. If you use speaker phone for business, there’s a 99% chance that you’re a tool. The exceptions: group meeting where another party is absent, you know for a fact the other person doesn’t mind (IE you’re talking to another tool who uses speaker phone).

The facts:

In most cases, it’s close to impossible to make out what the other person is saying. Half the time they sound like they’re in a cave or at the bottom of the ocean.

Conversely, ambient noises are amplified and the sound of high heels on the floor 20 feet away will shatter your ear drums.

Conversations between two people are typically meant for two people. The other person probably doesn’t want their voice broadcast all over your office area.

Scientific studies from Lowrey University prove that utilizing speaker phone in a business setting is a clear symptom of Narcisstic Personality Disorder*.

In short, don’t be a tool. Don’t use speaker phone.

That is all.

*Study available upon request