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Lately, I’ve noticed that I’ve become increasingly sedatephobic. Don’t worry, I looked up the word for it before writing this, just so I could sound intellectual. It’s the fear of silence. I don’t mean the absence of sound, like your annoying coworker or ex-girlfriend who just can’t stand it if no one’s talking and has to fill the dead air. I’m talking about the quiet times when there’s no one around and it’s just you with your mind left alone to wander. Traditionally, I’ve loved those times. It’s in the quiet times that God has spoken to me most. It’s also when I do my best thinking. In fact, I submit that 90% of all great ideas and inventions in history have been conceived while on the toilet or in the shower. Even mowing the lawn, there’s nothing to do but think.

Lately though, I haven’t relished that time. I’ve come to realize that a combination of a rather crummy last 14 months professionally, and serious lack of prayer and worship time, I just don’t have my head screwed on right. My defenses are in a pitiful state. Now when the quiet time comes, darkness takes in. Where serenity once lived and thrived, bitterness, lust, envy, and resentment now reign with brazen contempt. I tell myself that I’ve forgiven certain people for things that have happened in the last couple years. If that’s the case, why do I mentally rehearse all the things I would tell them if I ever got the chance to tell them off? Is that love? Is that forgiveness? No, it’s pride and folly.

When I can’t pretend I’m not thinking these things any longer, my first reaction should be one of submission and repentance. Instead, I fall for just about the oldest trick in the snake’s book. Shame. God knows every wicked thought that was going through my head, and instead of manning up to it and asking for His forgiveness for having done it and His grace and strength to withstand the temptation to go there in the future. I mentally hide in the woods, searching for a fig leaf, pretending it didn’t happen; as if stopping the sin erases it from history.

The only way to fight this is head on reckless abandon. I must pray for strength and wisdom, fortify myself from attack, and strike down my pride so that I may seek forgiveness.

I’ve been going over a couple of passages over and over, drilling them into my head. Setting perimeters for defense.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or admirable think about such things.–Phil. 4:8

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.–2 Cor 10:5

“Keep this on your mind – keep it within your eyelids” The Devil Wears Prada – Gimme Half

“I’ll never look back. I’ll never taste it again. I’ll never stop. You can’t stop me.” Project 86 – Stalemate

I’m sick of trying to keep my mind occupied just to avoid the mental silence. I hate that it’s been robbed from me. Rather, I hate myself for letting it be taken so easily and without a fight. I’m taking it back by force. Silence will once again be a time of rest. A time of serenity. A time of worship. I will leave the past in the past where it belongs. (I’ll never look back.) I will leave anger and resentment and impurity at the foot of the cross, not to be picked up again. (I’ll never taste it again.)

Consider it a vow.

August Burns Red – Composure
Click above to watch at youtube in high definition

Two updates in one day? How lucky are you people?

I’ve been wanting to share this for quite a while now. I was never able to find a copy that didn’t have embedding disabled until today. Quite simply, ladies and gentleman, this rocks. I’d go so far as to say it’s a perfect song and perfect video. The drums are ridiculous.* The guitar parts are a fantastic concoction of crushed skulls and spring lilies. The bass compliments well without being overbearing. The vocals are brutally beautiful. The lyrics are spiritually both convicting and uplifting at the same time. It’s about the broken nature of humanity and the opportunity we have to turn our backs on our past, our sins, our shortcomings, and plot a new, hopeful course. The video actually flows with the lyrics instead of being a cheap collage of unrelated superfluous imagery.

So, from us at the Protus Mose Institute For The Dissemination of Music To Rock Your Face Off, enjoy, and God bless.

Shake it off.
Pick yourself up, they say.
Your life fell apart in your hands, and you’ve got the scars to prove it.
It’s not the first time, and they’re getting deeper.

Pull it together.
Button up your shirt.
Roll down those sleeves.
Don’t let them see how you’ve coped.

More and more your demeanor looks like quicksand.
It seems like your giving up on everything you worked for.

It’s pulling you under.
It’s gripping around your throat.

Life can be overwhelming,
But don’t turn your back on the strongest crutch you’ve ever had.
They have always been there to brace your fall.
Wave goodbye to the past.
You’ve got your whole life to lead

* Click here to watch a fan demonstration of just the drums to see how awesome the track is. How awesome? Awesome enough that I’ve watched this video probably 20 times. The drum part is so distinctive, you can hear the whole song just by listening to it.

I am employed again. I’ll report for my first day on March 9th. I’m really excited about it. I don’t have any reservations about it, other than the drive. Compared to my previous commute, this one will be ugly. The shift should be early enough to beat most of the rush traffic on both sides, though.

It’ll be nice not to have to dip into savings every two weeks. We’re not going to go back to spending like we did before. One good thing about this situation is that it showed us we can just about make it on my wife’s income alone. We’re only coming short $200 or so every paycheck. If it wasn’t for our debt, we’d be able to have one of us stay home with the kids full time, albeit with the same sacrifices we’re making now. Before I switched jobs, we were barely making it. How were we barely getting by with twice as much money? Apparently we were blowing a lot of it. I definitely think this is something God wanted me (us) to learn before he led us out of this valley. “See? Look at how much you had. Look at how you squandered my blessings.” I do see now. I used to think we’d never get out of debt. Now I can see how “easy” it will be to get out. We’re going to keep living like we have been (maybe a little more stable), build up savings, and then start attacking these bills. If we didn’t “need” the extra couple hundred bucks a paycheck, it can be used to pay down balances. Then we’ll know freedom. And it’ll be sweet.

As a married father of two, I don’t get to go to as many concerts as I did when I was a free-wheelin’ teenager. My lovely wife has been gracious enough to accompany me to a few shows over the years, and I’ve always had a blast. I love her for taking one for the team to spend time with me doing something she knows I enjoy. It’s epic amounts of brownie points.

A few weeks ago, we went to go see Barlow Girl and Benjamin Shafer. The tickets were a present from my mother-in-law; however, my wife agreed to spring for the upgrade to VIP tickets. That’s when the lulz ensued.

We showed up nice and way early for the show to go to the VIP event. After sitting around the lobby for 15 minutes, surrounded by 14 year old girls, we overhear someone say the VIP meet & greet hullabaloo was down the hall. We go down, expecting to find some adults. We found them, escorting their 12 year old daughters. It was the most awkward half hour or so of my life thus far. My wife and I surrounded by little girls during a Q&A session. Granted, this is a band comprised of three girls. But they’re all in their mid/late 20s, like myself. I didn’t expect it to be a 7th grade party.

We then moved into the auditorium and waited around for an hour with nothing to do. Older people started showing up, and the balcony started filling up with teenagers, which left me feeling a little less weird. Apparently it was just the little girls parents and my wife who shelled out the VIP tickets. At least I got a cool souvenir pass.

Benjamin Shafer opened up the show. Even though he did a really short set, it was great. I hadn’t ever heard of him before but immediately recognized him as the front man from a local band, 10th Hour Calling. We ended up getting his CD later. (You probably should too. It’s great!)

Finally, BarlowGirl came out. It was worth the wait and humiliation. They really rocked the house and delivered. Like a schmuck, I forgot our camera and was able to capture some horrible video and pictures on my cell phone. To show you how bad they are, this is the best of the batch.

It really was a great show, though. Very cathartic with a lot of the stuff we’ve been going through lately. Words of truth were spoken. Jesus was proclaimed. And I got some Barlow Girl drumsticks.

Rawk.

So, if you haven’t been blessed with the opportunity to rock with BarlowGirl yet, check ’em out. Buy some CDs. Become a fan. If you do, maybe my wife and I won’t be the only people over 20 willingly at the next show.

On a personal tangent, I’m waiting to hear from a potential employer later this week on a decision. I’ve got my fingers crossed. I’m really loving the time I get with my girls, but, financially, we’re going to what’s left of our savings in another paycheck or two. Then, we’ll be in real trouble. So, if you’re inclined to pray, it would be most appreciated.

I’m still waiting to hear from B-town, Sarpy County, and Papio on cop jobs, but those won’t happen at least until March. I’ve preliminarily signed up for testing with OPD, much to my wife’s chagrin. Their testing process takes 3 months to even finish though. I liked doing them all in one day better. :/

Mosecrest out.

So, in regards to this, I had my impromptu interview with the Bellevue Police Department on Friday. Immediately afterward I felt I had knocked it out of the park. Later on I got more nervous about some of my responses; however, it’s done now and constantly fretting over it isn’t going to do anything at all. The gracious Lieutenant seemed generally impressed. When I handed him my four year old license, I had to tell him, “Ignore the weight, I lost 50 lbs a few years ago.” That seemed to catch his attention. Hopefully it shows discipline and responsibility. He also seemed generally pleased with my current “exercise regimen.”

Of course, I had to endure the “situational” interview questions. I really can’t stand “Tell me about a time” questions. In this case, they were actually relevant to the position itself, so I can’t complain too much. The only thing I did “wrong” by classical advice, was in reference to a previous employer. I know you aren’t supposed to say anything bad about your past employer, but in a few of the questions, it really was the only honest answer. Everything I’ve read about trying to get a job in this field contains this advice: “They’re not looking for perfect people. They’re looking for honest people.” Hopefully the lieutenant understood the pertinence of the answers and weighed them on their merit as such.

In the end, he said he would get my paperwork in with everyone else who already had a real interview and they would begin selections to move on to background checks. I can’t help but fear that my little paperwork snafu has hurt me in the process. However, I have absolute faith that, if this is truly God’s will, He won’t let that stop us. If I recall correctly, he said they would start that in January, or make a decision in January. Something like that. If this doesn’t work out, the other two agencies I applied for will also hire in the first half of next year.

Prayers are eagerly welcomed, both for this and for work in the meantime to pay bills. Savings is shrinking.

*PS* Check out the Gallery link up top!

Avast! Updates ahoy!

It’s been a long week (even if it’s not over.) First, I’d like to announce that I now play drums apparently. My position within the worship team at our church has changed a lot over the years. Bass to electric guitar back to bass, etc. When we lost our drummer, I eventually started playing the congas. I’m fairly decent with them, I think. Over the last year or so, I’ve stolen the crash cymbal from our cobweb-ridden drum set and incorporated that into the set. I’ve been using some multi-rod brush sticks and some inventive hand slaps for the cymbals and even used the sticks on the congas occasionally. For a while, I’ve been joking about dismantling the drum set and bringing the bass drum over so I can kick that too. Anyways, on Sunday morning at about 9:50, we were getting practice started. (Service begins at 10:30)I was joking around about moving the bass drum over and, with a little encouragement, decided to give the drums a shot as a whole. I’d tried before, but getting all four limbs to move together never really panned out. This time, however, it went off without much of a hitch really. We ran through the set fairly quickly. I was worried I would freeze or screw up during the service, but that went just fine also. It’s a little more tricky, though. I have to watch the worship leader rather carefully to see where they’re going with the song. On the congas, if I think we’re building up but realize they aren’t quite going there yet, I can back off subtly. Once you start building up on the big drums, you’ve pretty much committed to follow through. So, I guess I’m a drummer now. Luckily, I haven’t noticed any real drop in IQ. Quote of the day: Person 1: “That was great. When did he start playing drums?” My Wife: “About 45 minutes ago.”

On to the lousies. (You know that’s what you come here for.) Lost my keys this week. That sucks. House key, car keys, boopers to both vehicles, keys to the boss’s shop, etc. Gone. Probably buried in dirt at a new home construction or laying in a gutter some where. :\ I finally got my letter from Bellevue Police Department. I’ll save you the text in its entirety. The only important part read, “Unfortunately, your candidacy for one of these positions is no longer being considered.” I’m in the usual maelstrom of emotions on this one. Part of me is mad and depressed, but another part is relieved and thankful. I’m feeling very Jobish. It sucks that I didn’t get in. However, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” I’ve been very dangerous in my prayers, at least physically. Throughout this process, after I received the invitation from Bellevue, I’ve prayed, “If this is Your will for my life, let it come to pass; however, if it is not within Your plans, let it fall away.” Sometimes I hate it when He answers prayers like that. Still, I am relieved and refreshed to know that He is still guiding my path. That is not to say my cup is running over in the faith department. As I stood there, holding the unopened letter in my shaking hands, I heard in my head, “Why are you so afraid of what I have placed before you?” I mistakenly took that for a good sign and tore into the letter. Since I read the decision, I’ve been thinking about the question that was posed to me Tuesday afternoon. The only answer I have is “because I have no idea what it is and that scares the crap out of me.”

I still have no idea where this road is taking me, or where the destination is, but still I find comfort in knowing that, for perhaps the first time in my life, someone who knows what they’re doing is charting the course.

We’ll be taking advantage of the More button on this one, kids, so as not to make this a mile long. So, last Monday, I separated from my employer. This leaves me without a job, and with even more debt to deal with. I’m not afraid, though. I know that God’s hand is still moving through all this. I have no idea how we’re going to make ends meet until I find something else, but I know that meet they will.

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Boy, oh, boy. My foot is killing me. I bought a new pair of running shoes on Saturday and some insoles to go with them. To break them in, I decided to go on a nice long run yesterday. I did 4.5 miles, but about halfway through, I couldn’t feel my feet anymore. By four miles, they were screaming. I really hope it’s the insoles I got with them. They have a really high heel, which I think was putting more pressure on the balls of my foot. Since that’s exactly where my regular insoles are designed to take the pressure off, that’s probably why my right foot is still on fire this morning. I’m going to lay off it for the rest of the day and probably not run tonight. It’s my day to lift anyway.

I’m probably going to suspend the running and lifting altogether Wednesday or Thursday. I’ve got a big day on Saturday and I don’t want to strain anything or risk any injuries. I’m in the best shape of my life right now, taking into consideration I’m almost thirty years old. (God help me.) Still, I have no idea how I’ll do. I’m pretty confident I won’t have a problem, but there’s still nagging doubts. I’ve got butterflies right now just thinking about it. I have to remember that everything that has brought me to this point appears to have been pre-ordained. Every time I’ve thought about not going through with it or examining other options, God slams those doors shut and gently brings me back onto this road, like a shepherd guiding a sheep along the path. “Stop trying to wander. Stay on the road upon which I’ve placed you and see this through.” I have to believe that if He has worked the circumstances to bring me to this point, He’ll help me rock it. If you want the cliche, “If He brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it.” It’s campy, but it works.

I’ll see you, Saturday.

Things are shaking and things are moving. It seems like everything is in a constant state of flux right now. Trying to get into school, looking for a new job, potentially changing career fields, my wife starting a new job, the kids growing up so quick. It’s hard to stay grounded and keep my bearings. There’s just so many things going on right now. Still, it’s exciting. I can see God moving in five or six places and have given up trying to keep track of what He’s doing. Right now I’m just holding on for the ride. Around and ’round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. In the end, I think all of this is moving towards blessing us and bringing Glory to God. Leigh Ann’s promotion alone seems to testify to the movement of His hand. It was practically handed to her on a golden platter. While she’s certainly worked hard enough to earn it, the ease with which it came is astounding.

So for now, we’ll continue to praise God for the work He’s doing and faithfully await what’s to come.

Yeah, so, it’s an update. It’s been three weeks, so we’ve got some ground to cover.

First, I’m feeling much better. I think it’s pretty much gone; but, I still feel a little weak every now and then.

Colorado was awesome. We went camping and I was able to get some decent mountain hiking in. It was real nice to see family and relax for a week. I really needed a break from work. The recharged batteries should keep me going for a while.

We now have a new vehicle. My Buick has been limping along for a while now. The driver’s window won’t roll up, so there’s rain damage. The roof was caving in. The driver’s seat belt didn’t buckle. No air conditioning. My in-laws were nice enough to watch our dog while we were away. We drove down to pick Hanna up and on the way back I happened to glance into the back. Kati & Ava were both passed out, covered in sweat, with their hair plastered to their foreheads. We’re going 75MPH with me in no seat belt. It was time. So, Saturday we went out just to check inventory and ended up coming home with a 2002 Chrysler Town & Country.

We got a pretty good deal, I think. We haggled for a while on it. My wife took it to a mechanic to inspect it and make sure everything was ship-shape. It passed with flying colors. It feels good to have a vehicle that’s not old enough to smoke or join the army. Still, it was really, really hard leaving the Buick. There was a lot of attachment stored up there. I’m going to miss it. It will be nice to drive something stable, though.

God’s been doing a lot of wonderful things with me lately. I’ve been spending a lot more time in prayer and study in recent weeks. It’s definitely paying dividends. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this close to Him. It’s the same as any relationship, I guess. If you don’t talk, you lose intimacy. Keeping the lines of communication open bring you closer together. I’m really excited to see what He has in store feor me in the near future. I’m starting to get a feeling there’s a change on the horizon.

Finally, regarding UFC 87, (Thanks, Tony) Jason MacDonald is an animal. I can’t believe he didn’t tap out. Roger Huerta, you have failed me. Rob Emmerson, even though you’re calling yourself Robert (lame), you’re still the man. Brock Lesnar may actually be legit. Go figure. GSP is still a punk.

That is all