ProtusMose.com

I’m actually going to type some words and compose a new protusmose.com blog update. This will be exciting. It’s been, what, two years? Odd things happen in the cycle of blogging. Or at least they did for me. This place started as a private corner to air my thoughts out to dry; to bounce ideas and frustrations off the anonymous cloud of interwebs. Then people started reading. You all ruined mah blagh. My wife got upset that I would blog about personal things that I had never talked to her about. At the time I thought it was an overreaction; however, that’s actually a very legitimate gripe. It wasn’t that I was intentionally hiding things from her. I just never thought to share those thoughts. So, many potential blog posts diverted into meaningful conversations with the woman I’m madly in love with. That’s wonderful for me, not so wonderful for the poor blog.

It was much easier when there was no one reading this thing. I could ask questions, get mad, and write in my little public diary. Then people started reading. And suddenly, I wasn’t writing for myself anymore. I had to keep an ‘audience’ in mind. Takes the wind out of my creative sails when I’m worried about what people will think.

Then, there’s Facebook. I used to get a small idea and develop that into a full post on here. Now, thanks to the instant nature of facebook, that crap gets shoved into a small status update and forgotten about. Yes, Facebook has robbed you of posts.

Finally, there’s nefarious HR representatives. I was looking for a job for quite a while. Employers are snoopier than ever, and make decisions off things they find online without a second thought. “Hey, this could be a great blog post! Wait, what if someone at XYZ company finds the blog and doesn’t like my: faith in Christ/taste of music/sense of humor/etc? I probably shouldn’t say anything.”

So, to recap, or as the kids say these days:

TL;DR

Marital intimacy, family, facebook, and the economy killed my blog.

It’s back though. I think I’ll come up with some original content soon.

Considering starting this up again. It’s been dead long enough that most people have forgotten about it. Which is good. I could use some anonymity. Hollar if you hear me.

While protusmose.com has been around for nearly ten years, t’was three years ago this month I decided to turn the homepage into a generic wordpress blog to see what would happen. Along the way, I’ve written a lot of useless words, read by five or six people, and posted lots of videos of more rock than any of you can handle. While I doubt it’s really made an impact on anyone, it’s been fun. I’ll let you in on a secret. I do it for me more than I do it for you. It’s cathartic; more of a diary left open to the latest page in a crowded room. If someone happens to read it and like it, that’s fantastic. Truth be told, even if no one reads it, I enjoy it anyway.

Lately, I’ve noticed that I’ve become increasingly sedatephobic. Don’t worry, I looked up the word for it before writing this, just so I could sound intellectual. It’s the fear of silence. I don’t mean the absence of sound, like your annoying coworker or ex-girlfriend who just can’t stand it if no one’s talking and has to fill the dead air. I’m talking about the quiet times when there’s no one around and it’s just you with your mind left alone to wander. Traditionally, I’ve loved those times. It’s in the quiet times that God has spoken to me most. It’s also when I do my best thinking. In fact, I submit that 90% of all great ideas and inventions in history have been conceived while on the toilet or in the shower. Even mowing the lawn, there’s nothing to do but think.

Lately though, I haven’t relished that time. I’ve come to realize that a combination of a rather crummy last 14 months professionally, and serious lack of prayer and worship time, I just don’t have my head screwed on right. My defenses are in a pitiful state. Now when the quiet time comes, darkness takes in. Where serenity once lived and thrived, bitterness, lust, envy, and resentment now reign with brazen contempt. I tell myself that I’ve forgiven certain people for things that have happened in the last couple years. If that’s the case, why do I mentally rehearse all the things I would tell them if I ever got the chance to tell them off? Is that love? Is that forgiveness? No, it’s pride and folly.

When I can’t pretend I’m not thinking these things any longer, my first reaction should be one of submission and repentance. Instead, I fall for just about the oldest trick in the snake’s book. Shame. God knows every wicked thought that was going through my head, and instead of manning up to it and asking for His forgiveness for having done it and His grace and strength to withstand the temptation to go there in the future. I mentally hide in the woods, searching for a fig leaf, pretending it didn’t happen; as if stopping the sin erases it from history.

The only way to fight this is head on reckless abandon. I must pray for strength and wisdom, fortify myself from attack, and strike down my pride so that I may seek forgiveness.

I’ve been going over a couple of passages over and over, drilling them into my head. Setting perimeters for defense.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or admirable think about such things.–Phil. 4:8

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.–2 Cor 10:5

“Keep this on your mind – keep it within your eyelids” The Devil Wears Prada – Gimme Half

“I’ll never look back. I’ll never taste it again. I’ll never stop. You can’t stop me.” Project 86 – Stalemate

I’m sick of trying to keep my mind occupied just to avoid the mental silence. I hate that it’s been robbed from me. Rather, I hate myself for letting it be taken so easily and without a fight. I’m taking it back by force. Silence will once again be a time of rest. A time of serenity. A time of worship. I will leave the past in the past where it belongs. (I’ll never look back.) I will leave anger and resentment and impurity at the foot of the cross, not to be picked up again. (I’ll never taste it again.)

Consider it a vow.

Sick of looking this up every time the dog or a kid knocks the remote off the bed and the batteries fall out.

remote codes

My day has been ruined and a new mid-life crisis has been prematurely entered. I was stretching my legs while walking at work. Kind of rocking the Frankenstein walk to clear my knees out a little and stretch the hammies. This guy asks why I’m limping and I joked that I was getting old. The reply? “Old? Come on. You’re only, what, mid thirties?” I searched his face for a hint of joking. He wasn’t. I protested his assessment. “Mid-thirties!? Are you kidding?” His response was “32? 31?”

After I get off work I’m buying a box of Just For Men, and scheduling a face lift.

FML

Subject: XXX added you as a friend on Facebook…

XXX added you as a friend on Facebook. We need to confirm that you know XXX in order for you to be friends on Facebook.

This actually kind of floored me. What do you do when someone who was involved to a degree in almost killing you and radically altering your life in a traumatic way wants to add you on facebook out of blue? Do I ignore it and hope he goes away? Do I add him and pretend like it never happened? What doe she think is going to happen? What is he expecting out of this? Should I accept it as a sign of maturity and forgiveness? Do I forgive them? I do. I’m not sure that means I want to talk to either of them.

Man.

I’m supposed to be studying…

Dearest reader(s),

I humbly apologize for the recent lack of updates. I’ve been rather busy lately.

At work.

w00t!

Things don’t appear to be settling down anytime soon. I’ve got another two weeks of training or so before being thrown into the wolves. As if that isn’t unnerving enough, I’m going back to school starting next Wednesday. So, I’ll go to work and get beat up from 7 – 4, then come home and be mentally assaulted by learning Java programming and other fun stuff at night. If I get out of this alive, by this time next year, I’ll upgrade my Associate’s to a Bacherlor’s. Not bad for 10 years, eh?

I foresee a great deal of coffee being consumed for the next 12 months.

I am employed again. I’ll report for my first day on March 9th. I’m really excited about it. I don’t have any reservations about it, other than the drive. Compared to my previous commute, this one will be ugly. The shift should be early enough to beat most of the rush traffic on both sides, though.

It’ll be nice not to have to dip into savings every two weeks. We’re not going to go back to spending like we did before. One good thing about this situation is that it showed us we can just about make it on my wife’s income alone. We’re only coming short $200 or so every paycheck. If it wasn’t for our debt, we’d be able to have one of us stay home with the kids full time, albeit with the same sacrifices we’re making now. Before I switched jobs, we were barely making it. How were we barely getting by with twice as much money? Apparently we were blowing a lot of it. I definitely think this is something God wanted me (us) to learn before he led us out of this valley. “See? Look at how much you had. Look at how you squandered my blessings.” I do see now. I used to think we’d never get out of debt. Now I can see how “easy” it will be to get out. We’re going to keep living like we have been (maybe a little more stable), build up savings, and then start attacking these bills. If we didn’t “need” the extra couple hundred bucks a paycheck, it can be used to pay down balances. Then we’ll know freedom. And it’ll be sweet.

So, I’m finally going back to school. After high school, I was enrolled at a state school, and was lured out of the class registration line (literally out of standing in line) by a local technical college with promises of scholarships. I ended up going there and getting an Associate’s in Network Administration. I intended to get hired on somewhere and let them pay for the Bachelor’s upgrade. That never ended up happening, though. Now I’m coming up on 30 without a full degree. Worse yet, the school I went to was bought out by some random school system who was then bought out by Everest College. That’s right, the daytime TV commercials about medical assisting and other such crap. So, on paper my degree may as well have come from ITT Tech or Devry. Luckily, I found a job with a good company. (Waiting for confirmation tomorrow). It may not have taken this long, if I had a real degree on my resume.

So, I’m going back to finish one. Now I just have to figure out what to go for. My job is technology related. Do I get a programming or web development degree? Or, do I keep the police dream alive and get a criminal justice/investigations degree? I know some employers look just to see if you have a degree, not necessarily a pertinent one.

I’m torn. I’m a little apprehensive about jumping into the programming field. I’ve done hardware. I’ve done networking. I’ve done support. This is the one facet I haven’t explored yet. What if I’m no good at it? What if I throw $12,000 at school and somehow can’t do it? I’ve never failed anything, but for some reason I have misgivings about this. Maybe it’s just because….

….

Oh God.

Has it really been ten years since I graduated?

………..